Mourning with Hope

RCS: How long have you been doing grief counseling and what got you into this specialization?

NATASHA: I don't feel it's a specialization that I really chose, but a counseling work that God led me to. One of those stories where God brings beauty out of deep pain. My journey started during my graduate studies in counseling, when I tragically lost my younger brother in a car accident. It was sudden and unexpected, and just ripped my world apart. God surrounded me with so many people, including professors and supervisors who had a lot of experience in this area. In some way, I also felt compelled to learn what it looks like to grieve well and to practice self care as I had just started my internship and was counseling others. Because of this experience, and the hope and comfort God revealed to me during that time, it naturally became a part of counseling that my heart was drawn towards. There's just a real tender place in my heart for those who grieve.

RCS: What are the most important principles to remember about grief counseling?

NATASHA: Well, first, I try to appreciate how unique the grieving experience is for each person, even in one family. In my own story - my mom, my sister and I, we all lost my brother, yet every one of our grief journeys is so unique. This has freed me up to understand that with grief counseling, the client is more the teacher, and you are the student. I try to really listen and to understand what makes their journeys so unique, and to validate that for them. It takes a lot of pressure off, as clients don’t feel anxious because their process doesn't look a certain way or like someone else’s. I try to remember that the client is an expert in their own story. By expert I don't mean that they have all the skills, but that they’re experts at knowing their story.

RCS: So it involves a lot of validation throughout, and especially at the beginning?

NATASHA: That’s right, a lot of validation and normalizing. I use the word ‘normalize’ a lot. There is a specific handout I use that speaks of the symptoms of grief, a handout which always seems so helpful to clients I work with. Clients will often say, I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know myself anymore. I'm an alien to myself. That makes sense, because grieving is a foreign experience and we don't know what to do with it. Even our parents may have tried to shield us from experiencing any loss. So when we normalize the experience for them, it's such a relief. When they can breathe and know, this is normal - this is what I can expect in grief. It's not easy, but it's normal. I think, in fact, sometimes counselors get anxious when there’s a kind of loss they have never faced or dealt with, such as loss to suicide, for example. We feel that this will need completely different skills. Yet the core is the same. Our role is to listen, to validate and normalize, and to help slow down the process for the client.

RCS: How do you slow the process down for them?

NATASHA: A lot of the normalizing at first involves simply teaching them about the nature of grief. What grief looks like, why it looks a certain way. And once they understand a bit more of the nature of grief, it helps them with the expectations about the process of grieving and healing. Then, I want to give them tools to help them express their feelings in a healthy way. To make sure they understand how they might be avoiding the expressions of grief, seeking to understand specific emotions that come up, and the functions of these emotions. The great thing about our faith is that it gives us so many tools and resources for how to deal with our emotions. Our faith is such a treasure, it’s beautiful. For instance, the Bible’s perspective for dealing with guilt and regret steers us right to the foot of the Cross and into the abundant grace, forgiveness and freedom that Jesus secured for us. It really offers us such hope. The process also involves being prepared to sit with them, with their questions about suffering and how they might be wrestling with God. That’s a common pitfall for counselors, feeling they need to defend God.

RCS: What do you mean by that?

NATASHA: I think we can sometimes rush to defend God or tell clients that God is going to use their pain in a beautiful way. And certainly we know he will. But we rush there too quickly. We can lose the alliance and do not build safety when we do that. Clients often do not have a lot of safe spaces where they can ask these really big, uncomfortable questions about God. And just having that space is already such a relief. I think as counselors we need to ask, what is coming up for us, what is triggering in us that we feel we have to rush ahead like that?

RCS: These elements speak of the process of counseling. What would you say then are the main goals of grief counseling?

NATASHA: The goals I believe are so beautifully captured in the title of our renewal group, Mourning with Hope. It's the principle that I can't fix my client's grief, I can't undo that for them, but I can teach them this beautiful skill: to learn to hold both the grief and the hope at the same time. The Bible says in 1 Thess 5:13, “we do not grieve as those who have no hope.” It really affirms the need for grieving. It validates, yes, we do indeed grieve. And as counselors we show them the skills for how to hold grief in a healthy way. But it doesn't stop there - we can hold on the hope at the same time, and this hope is massive. I see it as two-fold. First, this hope looks to eternity and that one day, all our stories of loss and pain will be redeemed. There will be no tears, no sorrow, no pain. But Gospel-centered hope is also very much for now, for this exact moment in a client’s grief journey. Hope always comes down to the person of Jesus Christ, that he is present with us. He identifies with our pain, he weeps with us, he gives us strength, he enables us even in our journey of grief.

RCS: Hope comes down to a person! Is that what it means to do grief counseling with a gospel centered perspective?

NATASHA: Absolutely. Hope is a Person - it's Jesus Christ. Emmanuel, God with us. God with me. God with my client. I myself have to continue being mindful of that, and I look for ways to help them see that God is with them, that they can rest in him and in his work. As it says in the Bible, “behold I'm making all things new”. All of our stories, everything is moving to that point where all will be made new. And just living the hope for my clients. I think I have a unique angle because I do talk about the loss of my brother, which started my journey into grief counseling. I hope that it’s an encouragement for them too. Even without me saying that God redeems their pain, I hope I can live that out for them as I still continue on my own grief journey.

Natasha Steenkamp

Natasha has been at RCS since 2013. She has a heart for walking with clients who are grieving various losses. Natasha also facilitates grief support groups and workshops that offer compassionate support, along with providing insight, skills and hope.