Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things. -Philippians 4:8 

In his research on marriage and the habits that help couples stay together versus the habits that lead to divorce, Dr. John Gottman discovered that the couples who stay happily together have a positive to negative ratio of 5:1 in their interactions. This means that even in conflict, happier couples are more positive than negative in the things they say and the way they relate to one another. 

Negative interactions are part of life and certainly part of marriage. We wouldn’t want to completely eliminate all negative interactions. After all, talking about problems and trusting each other with complaints and hurts means that couples are engaging with each other and attempting to get their emotional needs met in the relationship and to make things better! But when relationships become overly focused on problems and negativity overwhelms the relationship, couples are at risk of damaging their connection with each other and their future together. That is also important to keep in mind when counseling couples. Along with addressing the issues that prompted them to seek help, cultivating a culture of appreciation and goodwill in the marriage will strengthen their relationship and foster greater resilience. 

This month’s tool offers suggestions for the couples we work with to tip the scales toward greater positivity in their relationships.