“I just didn’t feel heard or really listened to.” This is what a dear friend of mine shared recently in response to a conversation he’d had with another trusted person in the church where he felt let down. It was not the first time he felt this way. My friend had just been through an unexpected and frustrating life event that created a lot of sudden emotions, potential hardships, and some immediate loneliness. Even over the phone, I could tangibly sense the discouragement and range of emotions he was experiencing. The event was hard enough but, not surprisingly, not feeling heard or validated stung even deeper. 

Many men in our congregations have untold stories of layers of pain and shame, often that they cannot bear to face alone. Sadly, they rarely get the help they are looking for when they reach out. On the whole, pastors do care and do want to help, but can easily send the wrong signal or prematurely move toward problem solving and correction. Men have felt that their experiences have been spiritualized, invalidated, or dismissed, which makes it harder for them to open up the next time. In this toolkit, we will consider three obstacles men may have when coming for counseling and share best counseling practices to address each.