Building Skills for Tough Conversations

Sometimes as Christians, we can so deeply desire unity that we avoid conflict. Have you ever been in a situation where you needed to have a challenging or uncomfortable conversation with someone and did not know what to say or where to start? It is very common to avoid asking for things or saying no to other people’s requests especially when we expect that there might be a conflict. We often get “lost in the sauce” of our emotions and have difficulty expressing our perspective. Many of us have been taught that disagreement automatically equals disunity or discord. Or some of us have learned that the only way to work through a disagreement is by passionately (AKA aggressively) trying to convince others that our perspective is right while ignoring or minimizing their opinions. 

These beliefs often make it challenging to have conversations where you are firm in your own need and perspective while being curious and open about another person’s point of view. This article teaches about a skill called DEAR MAN*, which provides a template for how to have those types of challenging conversations. 

DEAR MAN stands for Describe, Express, Assert (ask/ say no), Reinforce, (stay) Mindful, Appear confident, and Negotiate.

D- Describe the Situation

Start by briefly describing the facts of the situation at hand. This is a crucial first step, as it ensures that you and the other person are on the same page and begin a pattern of agreeing. Consider what an impartial third party might have observed.

Example 1: “I’ve hosted our extended family on Thanksgiving for the past 4 years.”

Example 2: “I’ve been thinking about your request to borrow $100. This is the 2nd time you’ve asked to borrow money this year.”  

E- Express Clearly

Next, express clearly how you feel or what you believe about the situation. Sometimes, we assume that knowing the facts of a situation is enough for a person to understand our side of things, but this is often not the case. Sharing your personal reactions to the situation makes it easier for the other person to understand what's important to you and what you want. 

Example 1: “It’s been such an honor to host our extended family, but it has also been really challenging for me and my husband to host so frequently.”

Example 2: “I know that you really need the money and I would love to help you, but I’m concerned about my budget.” 

A- Assert Wishes

The third DEAR MAN skill is to ask for what you want or say no clearly. Like with expressing what you feel, it is important not to expect people to know what you want them to do if you don’t specifically tell them. Do not beat around the bush, or tell them what they should do. If you are getting or giving instructions on how to do something the word “should” is a perfectly acceptable word. However, in the realm of relationships it can fuel defensiveness. Focus on being clear, concise, and assertive by asking for exactly what you want or by clearly saying no to the other person’s request.

Example 1: “Unfortunately, we’re not going to be able to host this year and would like for someone else to host.” 

Example 2: “Unfortunately, I won’t be able to loan you the money.”

R- Reinforce

The fourth DEAR MAN skill is to reinforce, which means to identify something positive or rewarding that would happen for the other person if they give the response you want. This involves taking time to prayerfully consider their perspective and motivation, and draw connections between what you are asking for and what the person wants or needs. At a minimum, this is the point where you express appreciation if the person were to agree to your request or understand why you’re saying no.

Example 1: “I love the time that we spend together as a family and I think that we would all benefit from rotating the hosting duties.”

Example 2: “I really value our friendship and I would appreciate you understanding my situation. I hope to be able to support you in other ways right now. Is this something that we can explore?”

M- (Stay) Mindful

It is common for one topic to quickly morph into another, so staying mindful of your objectives throughout a conversation is important. Be open to the other person’s perspective, without losing sight of your own. There are two useful techniques that help with this:

1. “The Broken Record”: Keep asking, saying no, or expressing your opinion when things get off track. This can include starting the DEAR script again from the top, or from any part that seems to make the most sense. The idea is that you do not have to think up something different to say each time, keep saying the exact same thing. The key is to keep a mellow or gentle tone of voice until the other person responds to your request or acknowledges your no.

2. “Ignore Attacks and Diversions:” Ignore hurtful statements or accusations. It is easy to lose track of your objective when you are focusing on upsetting things that someone says. However, engaging with those statements can reinforce that diversions work, which means that they’re more likely to occur. If their statement points to another important matter, you can acknowledge it by saying something like:

1. Example 1: “I am listening to what you’re saying.”

2. Example 2: I am gonna write that down so that we can come back to it.

3. Example 3: And that is interesting/ an important thing for us to discuss, after we finish talking about X (your ask). 

A- Appear Confident

Please note that the skill is to “Appear Confident,” not “Be Confident.” It is perfectly reasonable to be nervous during a difficult conversation; however, this approach communicates to the other person and to yourself that you deserve respect and have the skills to be an effective communicator.

Do: use a confident tone of voice, posture, and to have appropriate eye contact. 

Dont: whisper, slump, or stare at the floor. 

Avoid: filler statements like “I’m not sure, maybe I’m wrong, and I could be mistaken.”  These are good statements only if you’re actually unsure about what someone else believes or has done—not about the facts, your own perspective, feelings or requests. 

N- Negotiate

The final DEAR MAN skill is negotiation. Be willing to break your request down into smaller steps. Also, remember that you are in community with the other person and use a technique called “turning the table” where you ask them for alternative solutions to the problem. 

Example: “What do you think we should do? I am not able to say yes, and you really seem to want me to. What can we do here? How can we solve this problem?”

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God created us to be in relationship with Him and with other people.  While we experience our ultimate identity in Christ, relationships play a significant role in the way we see ourselves, understand our value, and experience our significance in the world. Living in a fallen world, in fallen bodies, within fallen communities makes clear communication challenging. Interpersonal skills like DEAR MAN provide practical guides on how to structure potentially difficult conversations. 

* DEAR MAN is an acronym coined by Marsha Linehan, the developer of a type of therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Sharon Richards leads a DBT Group at Redeemer Counseling.